


Where Is My Mind?

by LettersFromTheAsylum



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Allusions to Suicide, Dani is a good friend, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Malcolm Bright Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, i finally wrote comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21777595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LettersFromTheAsylum/pseuds/LettersFromTheAsylum
Summary: “You’re not alone anymore. Better get used to it.”Malcolm was silent for a moment, but she could imagine his smile mirroring hers, soft and hesitant. “Yeah. Guess I’m not.”
Comments: 16
Kudos: 148





	Where Is My Mind?

Malcolm agreed to this stakeout because he couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in that apartment. He needed something to take his mind away from the past and the heaviness of loneliness settling in his gut. He was used to the feeling, but it didn’t make it any easier.

Dani Powell had a way of looking at him that made him feel included like she had his back. Her smile felt like an arm around his shoulder and reassurances that he wasn’t–and never would be–alone.

They weren’t friends, she said. Not yet. But actions spoke louder than words, and he didn’t need labels to tell him that she was there for him. She babysat him when drugs exploded in his face and his nightmares haunted him in his waking hours. She was the one who locked him into his restraints not long after he had tackled her in his sleep. She didn’t hover over him the way his mother and Gil did, but he always knew that if he turned around, she’d be right there. Dani would utter a simple, “you okay?” and not push it when he shakily nodded. She knew he was lying; she saw right through him.

When he felt safe sharing whatever was plaguing him, she listened. When he was done, shaky and on the verge of tears, she didn’t back away, looking for the exit. Instead, she stepped closer. Hugs weren’t really her thing, but her shoulder against his had the same effect. Comfort. 

———

Dani was a detective. She was perceptive, especially when it came to him. Malcolm Bright was a mystery to her in the beginning but anyone’s quirks would make sense to you if you took the time to learn them, and she did. Reluctantly, at first, but she knew him now. When he lifted up his hand to pin something to the evidence board and his sleeve fell enough for her to see the bandage wrapped around his wrist, she had a pretty good idea of what had happened.

Dani cleared her throat to get his attention. When he turned, she realized she didn’t know how to start this conversation. Her eyes fell on Gil, sitting in his office with his nose buried in paperwork. She turned back to him and asked him the first thing she thought of. “Does Gil know?” She nodded toward his wrist.

Malcolm’s eyes went wide. His other hand moved to cover the bandage, but he must have realized midway that it was pointless. Instead, he tugged his sleeve down. “He thinks I stopped in high school.”

“And did you? Before this?” She asked, as casually as she could manage. It was still a bit jarring to discover, even if she did suspect it. The ease with which he threw himself into danger had her wondering how often he’d gone looking for pain. Dani wondered whether he thought he deserved it but had come to realize that he must think that. She thought that you would have to, at least a little, to hurt yourself.

Malcolm sighed. “No, I did it for a little while in college. I really did stop before Quantico though.”

Dani figured the only reason he stopped was because he’d found other ways to hurt himself. She wondered if that was part of the reason he’d joined the FBI in the first place. Was he drawn to the danger? Had he always run headfirst into the unknown without considering the consequences?

She could imagine a young Malcolm Bright, charging headfirst at bullies to protect someone that couldn’t protect themselves. It would’ve brought a smile to Dani’s face, how characteristic it was of him, but in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t really that amusing. It was terrifying actually, that he thought his life meant so much less than everyone else’s that he was willing to give it up if it meant someone else got to live. Even if it was her. Malcolm was willing to give his life for her after knowing her for a day. 

Dani didn’t really know what to say. The NYPD had taught her what to do if someone was actively trying to kill themselves, but what did she do when a friend was hurting himself because he thought he deserved it? What did she say?

“Why did you do that to yourself?” Dani asked softly. There was no judgment in her tone, no underlying vehemence. She was genuinely concerned, but she wasn’t angry at him. She didn’t take it personally. 

Malcolm crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged. He wasn’t really comfortable talking about it, especially because he didn’t really have a reason. There was no clear cut answer and he didn’t know what to tell her. 

“Did something happen?”

The gentle voice, the easy posture, it was all very overwhelming. He studied her, from her crossed ankles to the tilt of her head. She was looking at him, presumably trying to find something in his expression that would give him away.  _ Profiling  _ him.

Finally, he shook his head. “No, nothing happened. Nothing specific, anyway. I just–It’s nervous energy, I guess. I don’t really know how to stop thinking and it’s too much sometimes.”

Dani nodded, but she didn’t understand. She had some bad days, but she knew that even her bad days were nothing compared to his. She didn’t have her father’s sins following her around everywhere, influencing her every move and smothering her. Her demons couldn’t be exorcised, but they  _ could _ be hidden away and mostly ignored, even if they did pop out every once in a while. Malcolm was on a whole different playing field and she wasn’t sure how to help.

“Can I see them?” She asked, cringing when he flinched. As he began to pull away, she clarified. “I just want to make sure they’re going to heal okay. That’s all. You don’t have to if you’re not comfortable.”

“I cleaned them already. I’m always careful not to go too deep. I promise, Dani, it’s fine.” Malcolm could feel his eyes brimming with tears. His heart was pounding in his chest and he took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. “Please don’t tell Gil.”

Dani studied him, pressing her lips together. Even before they really knew each other, she had wanted to ask him if he felt like hurting himself. He was always so hard on himself, always saying things that had clearly been said to him enough that he started to believe it. She knew he had an issue with self-worth.

She didn’t like the idea of keeping something like this a secret, especially from the man that cared for Malcolm like a son. Finally, she came to a decision. He had only recently began opening up to her. She didn’t want to break that trust, didn’t want to force him back behind those walls. 

“I won’t tell him if that’s what you want, but you have to promise me something.” Dani waited for him to look at her. “The next time you can’t shut your mind off and you feel like this is the only way to stop it, please call me. We don’t have to talk about it, I’ll just keep you company if that’s easier.”

His eyes bore a hole through the ground. She could only imagine what was going through his mind. He didn’t lift his head for a while and Dani was sure he was going to refuse, tell her he was fine and that he didn’t want to be a burden. To her surprise, he nodded. “Okay.”

“Hey.” She reached for his face, hand grabbing his chin and directing his focus to her in a move that felt familiar. “I mean it. Anytime, day or night. Got it?”

Malcolm smiled, but it seemed more like a reflex than genuine happiness. His smile was a shield, but she didn’t really see the point. “Got it. Thank you, Dani.”

Dani gave him a small smile in return. She hoped he wouldn’t call, hoped that he wouldn’t need to. 

———

The first call came a month later. 

Dani wasn’t asleep, not really. She had been lying in bed for around two hours, staring at the ceiling and attempting to escape the grip of insomnia. Police work was patience, sure, but it was also chronic sleep problems apparently.

It took her a second to register the buzzing on her nightstand. She rubbed at her eyes before squinting at the screen. She felt a pang of worry once she was able to read the name.

“Bright. You okay?”

Dani could hear his breathing on the other line, shaky and unstable. She threw the covers off of her, prepared to race to him if it came to it.

“Uh, yeah–no, I don’t know,” he said. There was fear in his voice.

“Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?” She asked, trying to remember her police training. Make sure he wasn’t in immediate danger, then find out what happened.

“No, I didn’t–you said not– I didn’t do  _ that,”  _ he was stuttering, fumbling over his words. His voice was weak, but it apparently wasn’t from blood loss. “I shouldn’t have called, I’m sorry–“

“No, you did the right thing, Bright.”

Dani sat on the edge of her bed, completely awake. She  _ had _ told him to call and he remembered. He didn’t try to close himself off and pretend he was fine, he’d reached out for help. 

She kept her voice level, despite being nervous. Malcolm told her he hadn’t done anything but he was clearly in the mindset to. She had never been good at this, the deescalating part. This was  _ his _ specialty. “Where are you? Should I come over?”

Immediately, he was speaking. “No–no, Dani, it’s late.” And of course he’d say that, of course  _ he  _ would be worried about  _ her _ . 

Dani huffed. “Fine. At least tell me you’re in your apartment.” She wanted to know if he was safe, whether or not the only danger was his own hand.

”I'm in my living room.” 

”Okay,” She said, tension leaving her body. He sounded a little more clear. His voice wasn't shaky anymore and his tone was a bit more like normal.

There was a beat of silence before he spoke, quietly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Dani nodded. “Yeah, that’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it.” She wracked her brain, searching for something, anything, to distract him. Finally, she let out an amused snort. “Did I ever tell you about that time JT and I chased a man dressed as Elmo through Chinatown?”

She could hear the smile in his voice when he answered. “No.”

Dani fell back on the bed. Adjusting her grip on her phone, she told Malcolm everything. He even asked questions, laughing at her answers. Her heartbeat steadied over the course of the story and after a while it seemed like he had calmed down. When she finished, there was silence on both ends. 

“Thank you, Dani.” 

It took her by surprise. Malcolm said it so softly and sincerely. “Of course. We’re friends, Bright.”

“We are?”

Dani smiled. She wondered if he remembered having this conversation before. “Yeah, we are,” she said, before her amused smile softened. Malcolm had told her that he wasn’t used to companionship. She wondered if he would’ve admitted that if he hadn’t been high. “You’re not alone anymore. Better get used to it.”

Malcolm was silent for a moment, but she could imagine his smile mirroring hers, soft and hesitant. “Yeah. Guess I’m not.”


End file.
